I spent a night over at Daniel's family party in Brigham City. The family party is focused on writing a story for the year.. then reading your story to the family. This year Dan's family secretly told everyone to write about Dan's Aunt De Ann. De Ann had just gone through cancer and chemotherapy over the past year and is finally growing her hair back, and has energy enough to enjoy life. I don't know you guys remember her, but she was the fantastic cook at our wedding breakfast and reception.
The party was a blast! Full of laughter (as always) and to my surprise, tears. Everyone told about De Ann when she was little and how she was a huge influence... then some spoke of how they were proud of her for her optimism through the cancer. As the stories unfolded.. I had a harder time sitting there, listening. I kept thinking about when I found out about De Ann's cancer. I cried. I cried and prayed that her family wouldn't lose her. I was selfish that day... I didn't want anything to do with the family and the pain they would go through. I didn't want to see them, or talk to them. I didn't want to see De Ann lose her hair, or feel loss at the life she was missing while lying in bed. I selfishly wanted to stop dating Dan so I didn't have to see it.
You can imagine how hard it was for me to sit and listen to her daughters stories, how they got through the nightmare of their mother's cancer.. how they all stuck it out hoping for the best. I hated that I had to stop myself from thinking, "how is it that I can't have my mom, but you get to keep yours?" But then I knew inside, that De Ann has blessed all of us, even me.. the newest member of their family. I knew that I would have hated losing her too... even if I couldn't have my mom. I cried along with everyone else as they read. I cried because they cried.. I felt out of place. I wanted to tell everyone about my family and how lucky they were... but I think they knew it. They knew they were blessed. They knew it deeper that I knew it.
It was a hard night, and wonderful night. I don't know if it's possible for me to mourn for someone I don't remember, but I think I'm still going through the stages. Sure makes me feel strong to be able to get through it.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Family night out..
Posted by LIS G at 7:45 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
Hon, I still miss her, I think we all do. I think I actually miss her more now than I did before I became a mother, knowing the love she must have had for each of us and knowing that she must not have wanted to leave us to the difficulty of losing a loved one. One thing Gran told me about the whole situation was that she once asked Heavenly Father why we would have to go through this. She didn't really get an answer, but she felt very strongly that we were strong enough to make it. We would be given the strength to get through and to find ways make the best of it and to teach and empathize with others more than we would otherwise. But lisbeth, we were NEVER without her. I know when I am struggling and when I am in need, I can feel her near me. I just can't even think that she would EVER leave us on our own completely. I know you remember that night when we were at Heather and Tylers for the Christmas party and Gleneen and Kristal took us for that "ride." That is one night that stands out prominently in my mind of when she was sitting with her arms around us. I know this more than I did before because I know that if I were to die and leave Damian without a mother, I know EXACTLY where I would be at all times, watching over him and Nate, trying to make sure that they didn't get hurt more than they could handle. I'm sorry, I'm a little too emotional tonight, blame the baby, blame a good sunday lesson, whatever. Come over here and find a ton wet and snotty kleenex. ;D
What a thought provoking post lis.
Being upset about seeing other families that get to "keep" their family whole is normal. At least I hope it is. Cause I feel that way a lot. But I am proud of you to see past it and look at it from the other side. One thing that I keep thinking is, "if only..." You know, if only we had the funds to find her a better doctor, or if only she would have gotten cancer 10 years later, or if only I would have known she would go, and maybe been a better daughter...
But then I have always felt the same sense of strength that Laura spoke about, I just knew that we would be strong enough. I knew it would change us all, but I knew we would make it through. I remember sitting around, not long after Mom passed, but maybe even after Dad remarried....I was talking with Lonnie, Jon and Becca, and talking about all our younger brothers and sisters, and discussing your strengths and why you would be able to pull through, I remember we decided that you were all sent after us, and chosen to be the little ones that would have the strength to grow up without her.... and I know we all agreed and gained a stronger testimony that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, when He sent you and Anne together. So that all in all, you would have each other to lean on... never leaving any of us alone.
And also, in a strange twist, the night out with Dan's family, gave you an opportunity to sort through some of your feelings and do some of the grieving that you've still got left to do. Another blessing, and like Laura, I don't think Mom would have been there too.
I love you.
You girls (women!!) are amazing. Thank you for sharing your strength with me.
Ditto..what a baby...i cant even comment.
Jon- you are the best. I got kind of choked up reading every thing but didn't even cry til I read your post.
The hardest part for me hasn't been the missing her or the wishing I could have "kept her"- altho those are big ones..but it's watching you guys and wishing you knew her. Wishing that when you pictured a mother, you could see her face adoring yours. Wishing you could remember her voice and her funny ways or even to know what it felt like to get yelled at by her, just because that, in a weird way is a special rite of passage when you get to be someone's son or daughter. It does me a lot of good tho to know that you care enough to feel so deeply about her. I wonder sometimes if you guys think of her that much at all and Im glad to know I was wrong. You're a good ol' head up Awibbabiff. And by the way, Im reallllly glad his aunt is doing well. I liked her a lot but even if I thought she was a dope, I'd still be glad because even dope's deserve another day to try again and be with their families. :) Can't wait to see you guys in a few days! We'll have to call Jon or something while we are at the luncheon so he can be part of it too.
I still miss her. I can't tell you how many times I have thought, "Oh, just call Carol." Calvin says that would really be long distance. I also have felt her near me, when Ben was first incarcerated, I felt her then. I also get frustrated with all the "cures" why not my sister? I know how hard she fought to stay until finally she had no energy left. She didn't want to leave her children. She loves you all so much. She wrote me once that she hated the medical treatments, but it would be worth it if she could just get home with her children. All she ever wanted was her family to be together. I don't know why our prayers weren't answered. But I do have faith that God knows what He is doing. We make our choices to how we will respond to overwhelming grief. We can give up and kick our feet and throw a tantrum, or we can become stronger and help others who must suffer. But I sure love her, and Carla and miss them everyday.
Well..before I left the 'Ditto' comment..I did have a thought but wasn't able/willing to put it down at the time.
Now that a few days have passed I think I can now put it in.
Back a couple of years ago when we went to the first 'Relay for Life' for Rylee...(all night walking event) they had a period after it got dark where they lit all these white bags with tea candles in them up. The bags are purchased as a donation...and you write down the name of remembered one. Well they lit them up...and they surrounded the track. They were also on the stadium seating across the way and setup so they spelled the word 'hope'...all the sudden I realized that although I was here for Rylee (and Carla) that at the same time...I was here for my own mother. I guess after so many years I have sorta forgotten that it was cancer that took her...I just know she isn't around to talk to like other guys I know. It is hard to explain..but it was touching...and I remember thinking how glad I was that Carla had her sister to meet when she passed on.
I just was re-reading my post, I should have proofed it better, the last line... I meant to say, I DO think Mom would have been there.
Sorry if that was confusing.
I was re-reading all the posts, not just mine, so I just made it to the last few. Thankyou Aunt Cathy and Faminy.... thank you for your thoughts. I really loved hearing again how much she loved us all. I know she did, but, it's so nice to hear it again. I also loved the beautiful picture that comes to mind thinking of Mom and Aunt Carla embracing after so long apart.
Now I am the big baby and can't see enough to type more than this. Thank you....sigh....
I have not only enjoyed reading your posts but seeing "Carol" in all of her childrens posts. She is in your talent for writing, your ability to express yourselves so well, your love for one another and so many other places. You have all pulled yourselves up and pulled together. I have 2 very vivid quotes from Carol that I have told each of you but here goes again. Quote 1 (when she knew she was dying she said to me...)"If you ever have charge over any of my children you better believe that I will be there with you!" And she was! Quote #2 came to me from the kids after Carol had passed we were sitting by her body in the living room waiting for the funeral home to come. The kids were telling me about the last few words she had said, she would come in and out of her coma and say nonsense things but this one time she sat straight up in bed and looked earnestly at you kids and said "Forever and ever right?!" Remember she was weak and dying and one of the tumors was in her hip and she SAT UP to say this. One of the kids sensed mom wasn't going to quit asking the question until she got an answer. So they responded "Right mom forever and ever" and your mom laid back down on the bed. She died several hours later. I felt she came out of that coma to not only get a commitment from her family that they would do what needed to be done to be an eternal family but also to let you know she is your forever mom. Years later after Richard and I got sealed the family went to dinner together. I sat in the restaurant wondering if Carol had been there when my new father in law, who rarely talks, turned to me and said out of the blue "families are forever right Chris?" He didn't know what Carol had said those many years before about "forever and ever" but my question was answered and answered by the power of the Holy Ghost who did know what my sister had said to her family before she died. She was at my sealing to Richard. She is there when you get married, have babies, suffer trials, and rejoice. She is there when you all gather together...she's there. She loves you and I love you all, I am proud of all of us! I know things cn be tough now but won't it be nice when we get on the other side and say "phew...that wasn't so bad!"?
Post a Comment